


like the lost catacombs of Egypt

by Anonymous



Category: The Locked Tomb Trilogy | Gideon the Ninth Series - Tamsyn Muir
Genre: Crack, F/F, Gen, spoilers for harrow the ninth - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:27:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26238595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Gideon thinks that God's got a sick sense of humor.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 54
Collections: Anonymous





	like the lost catacombs of Egypt

**Author's Note:**

> I took a break from doom and despair to write some dumb chastity belt fic.

"Look," said God, the Necrolord Undying, Kindly Prince, Emperor of who knew how many galaxies, and occasional--frequent--total prick, "I almost had the safe sex talk with Harrow back on the Mithraeum and it was the most excruciatingly embarrassing thing I'd done in millennia. It's going to take me a while to work up to that again, and, in the meantime--". He gestured helplessly at Gideon's groinal region, where the necromantic chastity belt glowed a weird algal blue. 

"I am buying a Number One Dad mug," said Gideon, "and then I am tossing it into a black hole, every one of your birthdays for the rest of your natural life." Which was a long time, but hey, Gideon wasn't going anywhere either.

Her father nodded. "That's fair."

The second worst thing about this was how reasonable he was being about it. The worst thing was that she'd only just come back to life and he'd gone and crotchblocked her. "Hey," she said, "if you're doing this to get out of giving Harrow the talk, why are you putting me in the chastity belt and not her?"

"Harrowhark has been through a lot," he said, like he'd had nothing to do with the shitshow at Canaan House, or ordering his Lyctor to try to murder Harrow until she improved or died, or, hey, telling her that she actually hadn't entered the Locked Tomb and that her parents had killed themselves, and tried to get her to do the same, because of it. He'd thought he'd been right, but it had been all kinds of fucked up for Harrow. And Gideon was still dealing with the fallout from that, although, to be fair, some of the fallout involved Harrow trying to be the big bony spoon and smushing her pointy little face into Gideon's back every night and slowly digging a hole in the mattress with her sharp little elbows. It was equal parts adorable and terrifying. Harrow was really, really determined to never let her go again. 

Speaking of which-- "I died," Gideon reminded him. "Twice."

"You thought you died." Which, okay, true, and he said it in an even more super-reasonable voice like it shouldn't count because she hadn't stayed dead, and also on the night they'd met he'd very briefly been very dead. And it really had not stuck. It made Gideon wonder what would have happened if Commander Wake had tried to go through with her original plan, only to have baby Gideon refuse to die on her. Nothing good, she was sure. For years Gideon had dreamed of finding her family, and now she kind of wanted to give them all back. She'd miss out on her dad's jokes if she did, though. "You're more resilient than that. And our genetic material is slightly more dangerous to spread around than Harrow's."

"You would know," Gideon muttered, not all that certain that she was more dangerous than her pointy-faced psycho princess. Which only made God's point even more salient, it'd be an extra-bad idea to combine their DNA. "But maybe you could handle that with, I don't know, some kind of necromantic birth control and not--oh, no. Oh, hell no. Tell me you did not just lock up my junk as a learning experience for Harrowhark."

"There are gaps in Harrow's education," the emperor as good as admitted. "But the pursuit of knowledge seems to comfort her, and I think this will be good for her."

Gideon gaped. Harrow's face and hands were going to be all up in her pelvis, but not in the fun way, because her dad thought Harrow should be testing new theorems. Also, _good for Harrow?_ Harrow hated owing people, she would be frenetic in getting the chastity belt off and returning the favor and while that eventually might be good for Gideon, it also might mean Harrow made Gideon stay up for three days straight while she chiseled the magic off and then collapsed from exhaustion before she could do anything with what was under it. "Forget the mugs," she said, "I'm going to throw you into a black hole."

"I wish you wouldn't," said God, mildly. "That would really suck."

"Uuuueeeaaagh," said Gideon, a full-throated primal retch, and fled.


End file.
